Friendly fire describes what happens when a military person accidentally fires on a fellow soldier. One of the most well-known of these incidents happened to Pat Tillman. He was a football player in the NFL who enlisted in the U.S. army in response to 9/11. Tillman was killed by friendly fire. In military settings this is not uncommon, but tragic every time it happens.

Friendly fire isn’t confined to the military. Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly), friendly fire happens in many churches. It comes most often in the form of gossip. And it’s tragic every time it happens. Proverbs 26:22 says: “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.” In other words, it’s hard to undo the damage caused by gossip.

In James 3 we read: “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell… with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness”

Wow. Could James have been any blunter? Gossip is plainly outlined in scripture—over and over again—as sinful and destructive behavior. A pastor recently asked me for help figuring out how to address a small group of folks who were gossiping to each other about him. Their complaint? According to them, he was not spiritual enough. Really? What’s wrong with that picture? First of all, nothing could be further from the truth about my friend. And second, isn’t gossip one of the most unspiritual things a believer in Jesus can do? This group’s duplicity was clear to everyone but them.

Why do people… who profess faith in Christ… gossip? Here are the four biggest reasons from my perspective:

Ignorance

Perhaps they’ve not yet read Bible passages that address the subject. When the Israelite slaves were freed from bondage in Egypt, it didn’t take long for them to start criticizing Moses. These newly liberated slaves didn’t know how to live as free people yet. So it is for many who are new to faith in Christ. They haven’t learned how to live as a child of God yet.

Insecurity

Gossip can make an insecure person feel important. The need to be in-the-know can be intoxicating to people who lack confidence. Sharing information with fellow church attendees who aren’t part of the problem or part of the solution can make an insecure person feel validated, and in some weird way, make them feel like they belong. The more insecure we are, the more likely we are to gossip.

Cowardice

Some Christians gossip because they’re afraid to talk to the person they’re gossiping about.  Instead, they triangulate. If I do or say something that offends you, it’s cowardly to go to a third party with your complaint, especially if you’ve been a Jesus-follower for any length of time. The only time it’s right to go to a third party first is to seek advice (from a non-gossiping mature person), to put together a healthy approach to the situation. Sometimes Christians triangulate to drum up support for their point of view, not because they want to fix the problem. Sometimes Christians triangulate because they have no intention to resolve the issue, but prefer to whine and gripe instead. If you’re a seasoned Christian, and triangulating is your go-to move when offense happens, you’re acting cowardly.  At our church, we tell people who triangulate: “We don’t do that here.”

Malice

Sometimes friendly fire is actually malicious fire. And sadly, some who claim they’re Christians think it’s OK to behave this way. Somehow they’ve justified their destructive behavior. If that resembles you, take a long look in the mirror. How hard has your heart become that you feel justified in verbally carving up your Christian brother? Hundreds of scriptures tell us we aren’t to behave that way. If you’ve been a malicious gossip, throw yourself on the mercy of God. Apologize to everyone you’ve gossiped about, and commit to each one that you’ll never gossip (or even listen to gossip) about them again. Perhaps they’ll find it in their heart to forgive you. But don’t expect them to warm up to you right away, if ever. There’s a big difference between forgiveness and trust. Between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Who reading this blog hasn’t been wounded in some way by friendly fire? Blindsided by brutish words coming from someone who should know better. Almost every church I work with struggles to some degree with a few gossiping attendees. Add social media into the mix and you have a firestorm.

So what can we do about it? Matthew 18 gives us a good starting point. In a nutshell it teaches if your brother sins against you, go directly to him and resolve it. Don’t triangulate by going to someone else, unless you need a mature Christian to help you with a game plan, and who will hold you accountable to execute it in a godly manner. If the one-on-one meeting doesn’t work, bring a mature brother or sister in Christ along to try to work it out. You can’t control the result of this process… but you can control your mouth.

If you’re prone to gossip—do everything you can to quickly get to the root of the problem. Be quick to repent. Commit to make things right. Whatever the reason—be it ignorance, insecurity, cowardice, or malice—understand you’re messing with fire. Eventually you’ll get burned. So will those near you. So will your church. Worst of all—Jesus’ reputation will suffer.

Let’s make friendly fire extinct in our lives and in our churches.