Today we welcome back a good friend to the Converge Coaching blog… Dave Barringer. Dave is a husband, father, a friend of mine, an author. . . check out his book here . . . and the pastor of a growing church. Hope you enjoy his contribution ~ John
In 20 years of pastoring, ministry in “community” may be one of the most substantial area I’ve been challenged in. Seclusion is my natural fallback. Isolation is my power move toward controlling the drama and issues around me. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that solitude was meant to be visited, not lived in. We were created to work in and minister through relationship.
So, I sat back with my journal and asked: What drives my propensity for solitude in ministry?
- Arrogance: “I should be able to do this without anyone’s help.”
- Offense: “No one ever comes to me.”
- Exclusivity: “Nobody knows (or has the capacity to know) my situation.”
- Comparison: “Those I look up to (admire/idolize) don’t have time for me. The scope of their ministry is more successful than mine.”
- Intimidation: “I don’t know others. Why even try?”
- Insecurity: “Will people like me? I barely like myself.”
- Self-hate: “Others don’t really care? I’m nothing. Who am I to anyone?”
This list is really the manifestation of 2 words: Fear and Pride. Like handcuffs, these two pin our ministerial hands behind our backs to stifle our hearts and limit our abilities by keeping us away from relationships that can be the door into healthy ministry.
So, I opened up my bible to Paul’s writings. Which ones? Well, all of them. Specifically, to the first and last chapters of the books he wrote. Paul takes the time to acknowledge, greet, and thank specific people. Where you may not think that means much, I see something that challenges me. This phenomenal minister of the gospel needed others and others needed him.
So today, I take out my journal, I write down a few thoughts for ya.
Connections are not equal
Paul had casual connections that were “assignment driven” meaning connection was developed solely through a ministry situation. It wasn’t superficial. Sometimes assignments bring us in closer to others and afford us connection that, without the endeavor, wouldn’t have happened.
Yet Paul had deeper connections. They may have begun as “casual,” but they went deeper. Time, effort, and investment grow those deeper connections. He wasn’t being “cliquey” with Timothy, Silas, or Barnabas. He just had a more rooted relationship.
Please know, you need both casual and deep connections. It doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone. It just means that not everyone will operate on the similar levels of relationship and, honestly, that’s okay.
Everybody doesn’t get the same “security clearance.”
I learned from a relative that works in a government job that, though he works with a large number of people, not everyone has the same “security clearance.” Simply said: relationships operate on different levels of trust. You can love people without giving the same level of trust. Like a dart board, you have “bullseye” trust with a few, then you begin to move out of that with levels of trust and relationship. It seems to me that Jesus had a closer connection with 3 within the 12. It didn’t mean he loved the other 9 less, but it meant there was a different level of relationship.
I have that in ministry. Even though I’m a pretty open guy, there are some vulnerable areas reserved for a few “bullseye” people who have deeper levels of “security clearance” who:
- I can trust to pray.
- Have the Kingdom mentality.
- Are quick to encourage.
- They know how to laugh.
- Will speak into me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear.
Not everyone is going to feel the same way about you.
From those pastors for whom I follow their blogs and podcasts, to others in the state I minister in, I will often feel a connection that others don’t feel.
That’s okay.
Too many ministers isolate themselves out of this frustration. I get contacts that say, “I thought _________ and I were closer.” What they were really saying: “I pinned our connection as ‘deeper’ because I felt one way and discovered they don’t feel the same.”
Deep relationships are not forced, they are developed. And if it doesn’t develop naturally through time, effort, and investment, then it’s only developed through manipulation. If you have to manipulate a relationship to fit in, you’ve moved from passionate to creepy. And nothing healthy develops out of creepiness.
I need others to grow; Others need me to grow.
Isolation forces us live in a place that not only limits your growth but the growth of others. You need others. And guess what? Others need you. It is about embracing the idea that we are better together. Why? Because when we’re together, we have the commanded blessing of God (Psalm 133). When you understand that, you’ll understand why the Devil wants you in isolation.
How can you respond to this blog? Write a “Paul” list of those who are you are thankful for. Some will be “casual” connections; some will be deeper. It may be a short list, it may be longer than you thought. Why do I ask you to do this? First, to help you see the need you have for others (or your need to connect to others.) I’d encourage you to write a note/text to them to bless and encourage them. Second, to open your eyes to relationships you may need to invest in. Make a note of people you need to reach out to and, through time, effort, and investment, perhaps develop some deep connection with.
Love you all. I believe in you. I’m praying for you as you, day by day, step out of isolation into healthy community.
Although I am not in any ministerial position..besides my family’s walk with God..I enjoy reading these and get a lot of thoughtful insight…please keep sharing them and as always am praying for you, Laura and your family.?????