Have you ever been in a meeting where people were talking (and maybe even shouting), but no one was communicating? I recently sat through one of those. 90 minutes of sheer torture. Multiple people talking over each other, not listening to each other, and trying to one-up each other. I left that meeting exhausted… and with two thoughts running through my head

Tone matters

You can say the right thing… but if your tone is shrill, argumentative, or of the in-your-face variety… communication suffers. A negative tone drowns out your words, no matter how valid they may be. Proverbs 17:27 tells us – “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint.

First impressions can be lasting impressions

Harsh words cannot be retrieved, and despite attempts to repair their damage… the bad impression they leave can be long-term.

So when we’re in the middle of stressful conversations, how can we communicate better? Consider the following ideas:

Curiosity vs. Blame

The urge to blame is as old as Adam and Eve. The problem is, blame gets in the way of understanding. We figure “I’m OK… they’re NOT. It’s their fault.” Curiosity is a better conversational strategy than blame. It means trying to understand what happened, why it happened, and how to fix it moving forward. Curiosity is open to the real possibility that we may have contributed to the problem being discussed. Curiosity breeds understanding. Blame breeds anger and defensiveness.

Invitation vs. Persuasion

When our only goal in a tense conversation is persuasion, we tend to not be concerned with the other person’s perspective. With persuasion, we want to get our point across and try to get the other party to see it our way. Invitation is a better approach. Invitation is a joint venture where we ask our counterpart to join us in a journey toward understanding. It means we let the other individual share what he knows, his perceptions, and his feelings. Invitation also includes you sharing what you know, perceive, and feel. This leads us to the third step:

Perception vs. Reality

When a person uses hurtful words, our first impression often is “He said that on purpose.” Experience teaches us perception is not always reality… especially with communication. How can we move away from perception and toward reality? You can start by telling yourself “maybe that wasn’t on purpose. Maybe he’s had a tough day and lashed out because I was the first person in his path.” Easier written than done for sure… but give it a try. Unless the person is a serial communication offender in your life… default to the idea “they didn’t do it on purpose.” After investigation, you may learn otherwise… but try not to start with the perception they injured you intentionally. This simple step moves you closer to what’s really going on in a tense conversation.

So when you find yourself in a stressful conversation, try to resist blaming. Instead… use curiosity. Rather than focusing on persuasion first… invite the other person to join you in discovering what happened, why, and how to fix it. And in place of relying on perception… attempt to figure out reality.

These 3 steps won’t fix all your communication challenges, but they’ll get you started in a constructive direction.