We live in an angry world.

The age of outrage.

In last week’s blog, 5 Things Everyone Needs to Know About Anger, we considered five basics we have to understand:

• Anger is part of the human experience
• Anger often involves emotional residue
• Anger can be the right response sometimes
• Anger brings attention to root issues that need addressing. To manage anger well, the root has to be dealt with.
• Anger can alert us to our limitations.

How often have we regretted something we said or did when we were angry? Words we wish we could take back? How much better would our lives be if we could feel the emotion of anger without hurting others or even ourselves? Let me offer to you five ways to be angry without blowing it:

Understand the negative impact of mishandled anger

It’s easy to underestimate the long-term damage our mishandled anger causes. When we go ballistic it’s destructive to ourselves and to those in the path of our rage. Mishandled anger leaves a trail of relational destruction in its wake. It has the ability to isolate us from the people who love us the most. While you may get over losing your temper rather quickly—those around you most likely will not. Even a heartfelt and well-spoken apology, though always a good idea, doesn’t erase the wreckage caused by volcanic expressions of anger.

Take a step back and identify its roots

When you feel anger rising, ask yourself: “Why am I angry right now? What is ticking me off here, really?” Ask God to show you any residual source fueling your rage. If you struggle to understand the root, talking with others who will reflect the truth back to you can help pinpoint the source. Counselors are experts at scrubbing out emotional wounds that are fueling our anger. Talking with God about it really helps too.

Identify relationships or situations where an emotional eruption is more likely to occur

Do you have any of those? For me, one of those situations is getting ready to go on vacation. You know why? Because I like to leave for vacation on time. When we agree to leave at 8:00 a.m. for vacation . . . I’m very committed to 8:00 a.m. Thinking back, the family never really agreed on our vacation departure time. It was an agreement inside my head. No matter—I would get stressed out when we were fifteen minutes late leaving. I thank God for sending my wife and children to help me modify my vacation misbehavior.

I don’t know what sets you off, but learn to identify situations and people that tend to stress you, so you can spend additional minutes asking God for strength ahead of time. You may need to fast and pray, depending on the circumstances.

Become committed to forgive no matter what

One of the hardest things to do in life is to forgive a person who has deeply wounded you. Forgiveness is not usually the first thing on our mind when we’re hurt. We’re more likely to nurse a grudge, become bitter, or plot our revenge.

Forgiveness doesn’t diminish or marginalize the pain inflicted on us. It simply moves us toward healing. Resentment may initially feel good—even justified—but it keeps us chained to the person who hurt us.

The longer we live, and the more people we interact with, the more opportunities we’ll have to practice mercy. When we think about forgiveness, it’s easy to get confused. Some Christians have been shamed or bullied into forgiving. Rarely have they been taught how to release their offender. We’ll save more details on forgiveness for another blog. Tune in next week.

Learn to be assertive rather than  passive/aggressive

Aggression includes foul language, yelling, or getting physical with people. Passivity is another word for repression. Here we stuff our anger and let it boil on the inside. An example of passivity is giving someone the silent treatment.

Assertiveness, on the other hand, means standing up for yourself by expressing your needs to others with love and respect. It outlines how the behavior of the person violating you is negatively impacting your life. Assertivness acknowledges any contribution you yourself have made to the situation—but it doesn’t excuse the other person’s contribution either. Let me give a real-life example of assertively expressing anger.

I used to work for a technology company. One of my past roles included supporting sales executives from a technical design perspective. I remember one particular client meeting where the sales executive cut me off twice in the middle of making what was about to be (in my opinion) a brilliant point. I said nothing to him about this during the client meeting. Afterward in private, I mentioned the multiple interruptions to him and how it made me feel as though he didn’t trust me to say the right thing. I understood we had not worked together much—and consequently maybe he didn’t trust me—but if we were going to work well together, he needed to let me talk in customer meetings. I braced myself for a negative reaction—but he was not defensive and he agreed. And from then on, our relationship improved. The key here was being clear with my colleague about what my specific needs were in the situation without going ballistic on him.

When I was a lead pastor, I didn’t fully understand how to express my anger. I did well speaking the truth in love to most people in our congregation. I struggled with stronger personalities though, especially those who were key leaders. When they crossed a boundary, I tended to stuff my feelings out of fear rather than deal with the issue directly. This inconsistency was a key contributor to my battle with depression.

If you want to get healthy emotionally and stay that way—you have to figure out how to manage your anger. The good news? You’re capable. You can discover how to express strong feelings in a way that honors God, respects others, and keeps you emotionally healthy at the same time. If you choose to cling to unhealthy patterns of dealing with anger, it will ruin your life—and probably someone else’s too.

Responding to your anger with aggression hurts others. Responding to with passivity hurts you. Expressing it assertively and in love, helps build a strong emotional foundation for your life, and provides a good model for others to follow.

I’m rooting and praying for you!