Today we welcome a fresh voice to the Converge Coaching blog… Dave Barringer. Dave is a husband, father, a new friend of mine, and the pastor of a growing church. Hope you enjoy his contribution ~ John

It was May ’99 and I just completed my second year of ministry. I was at a meeting where one of our speakers prayed over the pastors of our state. The words of his prayer cut me to the core. “Lord, forgive us for making our ministry our mistress.” With my head bowed and tears flowing, I sat in brokenness and embarrassment. I felt ashamed to have the title of “pastor.”

Driven by a work ethic, a conviction of a calling, and an unhealthy understanding of pastoring, I pursued what seemed to be the prize: successful ministry. To me, a day off or vacation wasn’t possible. The passion that brought me into ministry was replaced by obligation and I couldn’t stop. Like an addict willing to steal from loved ones to support a destructive habit, I stole time and energy from my marriage in order to feed the monstrous guilt I felt for not getting things done. The more my priorities grew out of whack, the harder I would work to try to anesthetize my guilt. I could point fingers of blame at a pastor or a board for not looking out for a young minister, but trying to shift blame only revealed my inability to accept responsibility.

Thus, the reason why the words, “Lord, forgive us for making our ministry our mistress” crushed me so much. The speaker was praying the prayer I needed to pray. Ministerial marriages have become casualties to unhealthy priorities. Some of it stems from nurturing. I heard in Bible college “The highest calling you can have is to be a minister of the gospel.” I disagree. The highest calling you can have is obedience to whatever God calls you to regardless of what you do. And if you are married, your highest calling first is to Jesus, and secondly, to your spouse.

Others struggle because of unhealthy practices. Preaching, leading, studying… none of them are inherently bad. But like anything, if the Enemy can’t stop you from doing them, he’ll tempt you to make them the center of your life. He’ll replace your passion with guilt and drive you so hard that everything (ministry, marriage, health) will collapse under the pressure.

That day in 1999 was the “wake-up call” in my life. And since then, my priorities have always been:

1. Jesus
2. Anne
3. Cammi and Ethan
4. My testimony
5. Ministry

Each one does more than flow into the other. Every priority enables me to pour into the next. My walk with Jesus teaches me how to love and serve my wife. My marriage puts the love of Jesus on display before my children and teaches them about healthy family. My top three priorities help develop a testimony to share with the world. And, through the right priorities, it enables me to be healthy, passionate, and effective in leading the ministry the Lord has entrusted me with.

Today needs to be a new start for you. It starts with repentance. But repentance is incomplete if it’s not coupled with change. Talk and pray with your spouse. Be willing to hear and receive the truth so that you can prioritize what needs to be prioritized. Today, make sure that your ministry hasn’t become your mistress ~ Dave Barringer