Years ago, a young lead pastor made his first staff hire. He brought a youth pastor on from out of state.

Right from the start there where all kinds of red flags:

• The youth pastor made no effort to learn the culture of the church—which was historically a very relationship-rich environment.

• He cancelled all relationship building youth group events and activities.

• He hid out in his office during the time leading up to church services and had no interest in getting to know the members of the church.

Soon, students began to leave the youth group and migrate to other groups in the area to be part of a place that offered community and connection.

The lead pastor knew he needed to have a conversation but shied away from it. He consoled himself with many reasons: Maybe the youth pastor just needed more time to learn the culture of the church community. Perhaps the youth pastor was an introvert. Or could it be the youth pastor and his wife were healing from previous church hurt and just needed space? But as the excuses continued, it didn’t get better.

As time went on, the situation grew worse. The group began to dwindle. And by then the youth pastor and his wife had bought a house and were expecting their first baby. The lead pastor began to lose sleep and functioned with a constant knot in his stomach because he knew what he had to do, but just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

A full year had transpired, and the youth pastor led the Graduation service in June. As the high school graduates assembled on stage and he began to introduce each one, it was clear that he had not cultivated relationships with these students. He mispronounced names, knew little to nothing personal about each one, and even forgot to mention a few because he didn’t realize they were graduating.

After the service, the mother of one of the graduates found the lead pastor and pulled him aside. This woman was part of a long-time-attending, prominent family in the church. The young man who’d just graduated was a leader with a clear call of God on his life. The mom kindly, but with sadness in her voice, said to the lead pastor, “My son will be okay because he’s strong and resilient. But for the sake of the younger kids in this group, something’s got to change. I can’t help but wonder what my son would have become in this group if the youth pastor had really connected with him. Or if he’d invested in my son’s life and the call to ministry that he has.”

Oof.

That lead pastor had a real gut check moment. The consequences of not having the difficult conversation were real. Within the coming months, the lead pastor and youth pastor made a plan that involved the youth pastor transitioning off the staff.

There were hard feelings. Trust needed to be reestablished between the lead pastor and the congregation. The entire youth ministry needed to be rebuilt.

These things could have been avoided if the lead pastor had early on avoided the most common behavior that limits a person’s leadership aptitude: The ability to have difficult conversations.

In this week’s podcast, John and Jim unpack this concept. In their coaching experience, they’ve found that when it comes to having hard talks with congregants, staff members, board members, etc., lead pastors either come on too aggressively strong or the complete opposite. But the healthy perspective, as usual, is somewhere in the middle. Here are six ideas to help leaders navigate these types of conversations.

Six Things to Consider When Navigating Difficult Conversations: 

1. Be Curious. Get to the root of the reason the other person is saying, doing, or acting as they are. Genuinely offer, “Help me understand this from your perspective.” You may discover a few things about this person and the situation you didn’t know.
2. Assume the Best. This can be difficult because by the time you need to have the conversation, there’s a good chance you’re probably pretty annoyed and have come up with all the reasons why this person is the worst. Let me assure you, this person is not the worst. The accuracy lies somewhere closer to the middle. Maybe they’ve had a bad day. Maybe they’ve never been trained. Is it possible that I am not accurately interpreting the situation?
3. Own Your Part of the Problem.  This third idea can be even more difficult. We never love to admit when we have contributed to a negative situation. However, the chances this difficult conversation will be effective requires us to get in touch with any contribution we’ve made to the situation.
4. Listen. Actually . . . listen and hear their perspective. Don’t focus on formulating what you’re going to say next as they are talking. But rather, process what is being told to you.
5. Share your perspective. Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, and then be understood.” This part of the conversation is where you clearly state the situation as you see it. Share your feelings and let the person know why resolution matters and what is at stake if resolution does not happen.
6. Articulate a way forward. What does the Bible have to say about this situation? Identify options that can potentially move the difficult situation toward the desired goal. Commit to making those things happen.

Difficult conversations are not fun as a pastor. But who said leading was always fun? These tools can help you navigate difficult conversations with wisdom and grace. If you need outside perspective and additional support, please reach out to us here.

We’re rooting and praying for you!

Jaime