One of the hardest things to do in life is to forgive a person who has deeply wounded you.

Forgiveness is usually not the first thing on our mind when we’ve been hurt. We’re more likely to nurse a grudge… become bitter… or plot our revenge. Our initial response to the idea of forgiveness is often a sarcastic “yeah right!”

Forgiveness can be confusing. Chuck Swindoll in his book Day By Day writes: “It is faulty thinking that forgiveness is synonymous with the returning of all rights and privileges.” Chuck speaks truth. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget the event(s) happened… or that you reestablish trust with the person who hurt you… it means you get to a place where you don’t hold it against them anymore.  Dr. Eric Scalise puts it this way: “Forgiveness is not saying ‘What you did to me was alright.’ Forgiveness is saying ‘In spite of what you did to me, I choose to forgive you.’”

Let’s be honest…. most of the offenses that happen to us we can and should get over quickly. Another driver cuts you off on the freeway… a store clerk treats you rudely… an acquaintance at church fails to acknowledge you as they pass by in the hallway. Let minor violations such as these roll off your back… and then just move on.  Refuse to be easily offended.

However… some wounds cut deep. King David wrote “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.”  Can you feel the pain in David’s words? He had been betrayed by a close friend. Deep wounds require some time and effort to work through. In deep-wound situations:

Be honest about the harm done

Real forgiveness is not possible without acknowledging the anger and pain you feel about the offense. In fact, some counselors believe that in deep-wound situations you cannot fully forgive someone until you have acknowledged the pain he or she has caused you.

Be committed to the healing process

Forgiving isn’t always instantaneous. In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus said “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” His words here often have been used as a sledgehammer to club each other into premature forgiving. We end up mouthing the words “I forgive you” while our heart remains in an emotional rage. The intent of Jesus’ words here is that we commit ourselves to get to the place where genuine forgiveness is possible. And depending on the severity of the wound, the process takes commensurate time. If you have been betrayed by a close friend, or stabbed in the back by a family member, you’ll need time just to figure out which way is up. You’ll probably also need to reach out to qualified people who can legitimately help you work through your pain. Prayer is a key part of the healing process as well.

Be patient with yourself

In deep-wound circumstances, you may have extended forgiveness a while back, but occasionally something will trigger the memory of the wound and you feel angry again. If and when this occurs, don’t despair. It doesn’t mean the forgiving you extended a while back wasn’t valid – it just means there is more forgiving to do. Keep forgiving until the process is complete. You may wonder “How do I know when the process is complete?”  Well… if you no longer wish a slow, painful death on the offender, you’re making progress!

Resentment and bitterness imprison us in our pain… forgiveness propels us toward healing. Forgiveness doesn’t diminish or marginalize the pain that’s been inflicted on us. It simply moves us toward healing. Resentment may initially feel good… even justified… but it keeps us chained to the person who hurt us.So when you’ve been deeply hurt, and the opportunity to forgive presents itself… instead of thinking “Yeah right!”… Be honest about the injury… commit yourself to the healing process… and give yourself some grace as you work toward forgiveness.  If the wound inflicted on you was severe, it will take time and effort to forgive… but ultimately, forgiving frees you.