“There is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or otherwise infirm vs. helping someone who is resisting growing up” ~ Henry Cloud

Understanding this truth would save pastors countless hours of worry, frustration, wasted time, etc. The Christian University I attended in preparation for pastoral ministry was an outstanding school—but it didn’t prepare me for handling people who refused to grow up. I suspect your institution of higher learning didn’t either. The truth is colleges can’t prepare us for everything we face in ministry.

Most pastors agonize over having difficult conversations with immature people. I get it… a lot could go wrong. The talk could result in negative blowback from the immature people. Collateral damage is also possible. Sometimes friends of those immature people get offended when a difficult conversation happens. In addition, most of us pastors haven’t been taught how to handle these kinds of people, and it’s no wonder many of us punt when it comes to difficult conversations.  If you’re inexperienced with these types of chats, you’ll probably need a wise friend or a mentor or a coach who can walk alongside you through the experience.

Unfortunately, some pastors believe it’s unkind to tell immature people to grow up. Nothing could be further from the truth. One of the most loving things a pastor can do is help an immature person see reality. The good news is we can tell the truth without being jerky. We can be (and must be) pastoral when having a difficult conversation.

An adult who is refusing to grow up may never grow up.  I didn’t understand this as a young lead pastor. One of the biggest mistakes I made was spending a disproportionate amount of time chasing people who were highly unlikely to ever grow up. It was a losing strategy—because while chasing the immatures, I neglected those who were growing and maturing.

If you’ve been trying for a while to help a person in your church who consistently doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, blames others for his missteps, gets defensive or makes excuses for continued bad behavior, it’s probably time to stop talking. Consequences may be the only thing that gets through to him.  Raising four boys reinforced this point for me. Nothing like removing car privileges to get a teenage boy’s attention when he’s acting way beneath his age and refusing to modify his behavior.

Pastor, trying to talk adults in your congregation who continually resist growing up is not the best use of your time and resources. Your energy is better spent on those who are teachable. We can work with immature people who are teachable. But for those who are not… stop talking and let consequences speak. It’s a chronically immature person’s only hope for change.

So how do we handle people in our church who refuse to grow up? How do we talk to them? Here are three ideas:

Understand difficult conversations are inevitable

Who ever said leading people was easy? Part of a pastor’s job description is participating in difficult conversations. Healthy leaders do this well. Hard conversations will always stir up a bit of anxiety, even in the best pastor. But he/she doesn’t allow fear to keep them from speaking up. If you refuse to have difficult conversations, pastoral ministry will frustrate you.

Approach the conversation with learning in mind

It’s possible (probable?) you may have not all the facts. You may be misperceiving the immature person’s story. Asking open-ended questions will help you gain better understanding of what’s going on.  And better understanding will help you navigate the difficult conversation. Approaching these situations with learning in mind calls for patience on our part. It’s easy to assume we know the immature person’s intentions. Stephen Covey’s “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” principle applies here.

Decide if you prefer short-term pain or long-term pain

If you’re dealing with a person who refuses to grow up, you’re already in some degree of pain as a leader, depending on the nature of the relationship. The question is: do you prefer short-term pain or long-term pain? I had a root canal several years ago. Prior to the procedure, I was dealing with several weeks of ongoing dull pain, interrupted by moments of sharp pain. The solution? A trip to the endodontist. Not my favorite person to go see, but I knew the problem would only get worse the longer I put off that unpleasant visit. So I chose short-term discomfort over long-term agony. The root canal lasted two hours and it was not fun. But within days the pain was gone. If you’re in relational pain due to chronically childish behavior from a person you pastor, you have a decision to make. Short-term pain? Or long-term pain? Do you still want to be having the same conversation with this immature person a year from now?

Dealing with the chronically immature may be one of the biggest challenges you and I face as leaders. No pastor I know relishes difficult conversations. If he did, I’d be concerned. Anxiety will almost accompany these situations. But if you want to keep yourself and your church healthy, you’ll have to push fear out of the way and do the right thing. Be pastoral, be inquisitive… but please be decisive.

I’m rooting and praying for you!