“My life is over!”

It was a bone-chilling night in November 1992. Weeks of little-to-no sleep combined with a lack of appetite due to excessive anxiety finally came to a head. My emotions were spinning out of control, I was suicidal, and contemplating the least painful way to end my life—and I was the lead pastor of a growing church.

Unfortunately, mine is not an isolated experience. A swirling storm of depression among pastors and spiritual leaders is brewing right under our noses. Making matters worse, many pastors in emotional distress cannot put their finger on what’s wrong. I had no clue what was happening to me, making the crisis doubly terrifying. Fortunately, I had wise friends, a good medical doctor, and a competent counselor who identified the problem. Major depression had barged in uninvited and brought my world to a crashing halt.

Up to that point, I had little room in my thinking for depression. It was something that happened to weak-minded people, not to a spiritual leader. After all, I had been walking with God for eighteen years, and been a pastor for twelve. The spiritual disciplines of Bible study, prayer, and Scripture memory were part of my daily routine. How could this happen to me?

In that dark moment, I felt as if God betrayed me.

What I didn’t understand then was the pervasive nature of depression in our world—even in the church world. I somehow overlooked the depressive episodes of King David, and the prophets Elijah and Jeremiah, even though I read about them multiple times. I didn’t know spiritual giants like Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, and John Calvin all suffered from this affliction.

The number of people battling depression is staggering. Estimates range anywhere from 20 million to 23 million people in the United States (including 5 million 12-to-18-year-olds), and as many as 350 million worldwide. At its current rate of increase, depression will likely be the number one health issue in the world by 2030.

Pastors are especially susceptible to depression. A landmark study of 14,000 lead pastors in the U.S., published in January 2017 by Barna, revealed almost 40% of pastors are at medium-to-high risk.

If you’ve not experienced the long dark tunnel of major depression, be thankful. But let me try to describe what it feels like:

Depression feels like you’re lost in a black hole of sadness

Listen to the words of an anonymous depression survivor: “When I was depressed and I looked out my window, the landscape looked absolutely flat and colorless.” Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane told His friends “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”  Being overwhelmed with sorrow to the point you feel dead on the inside describes depression precisely.

Depression doesn’t respond to the sheer force of will

We cannot will our way out of major depression. It’s not a matter of trying harder, or bucking up. We can’t bargain our way out. I remember negotiating with God while in the middle of the black hole: “Lord, if you get me out this, I’ll do whatever You want me to do.” My hope was He would deliver me instantaneously. God had other plans.

Depression often attacks when least expected

Elizabeth Sherrill writes: “The terror of depression, the dark mystery that distinguishes it from sorrow, is that it can cast its gray pall about us when the sun is the brightest.” In 1992 I had (and still have) a wonderful wife and four healthy boys. The church I served as lead pastor was enjoying excellent growth spiritually, numerically, and financially. Externally life was good, but internally I was an emotional train-wreck. And I found myself in the battle of my life, hanging on by a thread.

If you’re wrestling with major depression today . . .  let me offer three behaviors—from the perspective of one who’s survived—that can save your life:

Get help now

Schedule an appointment today with your primary care physician. Find a competent counselor immediately. Quickly surround yourself with people who love you, are committed to you, can maintain confidentiality, and know how to pray. It’s highly unlikely you’ll climb out of depression on your own. Depression festers in secrecy. Healing comes in a circle of trusted friends and competent professionals.

Learn a new way

Long-term recovery from depression requires a new approach to relationships and work. Skills such as processing your anger, dealing with difficult people, learning how to set and enforce boundaries (both relational and schedule boundaries), and figuring out how to recharge your emotional batteries (for me—laughter, exercise, and time spent with replenishing friends does the trick) are non-negotiable for the depressed individual who’s serious about recovery. I had to learn a whole new way to live and work. Some of this new way was outlined by my counselor, some of it came from mentors in my life, a significant amount of it came from reading good books on the subject. But most of this new way came from applying what I learned from these sources to real life situations.

Realize depression isn’t your destiny

When I was struggling with major depression, it felt like my life was over. But it wasn’t. It seemed like there was no way out. But there was. I believed God had abandoned me. But He hadn’t. I saw no useful purpose for the crushing emotional pain I felt. But purpose there was. What I do for a living today has its roots in this worst experience of my life. If you’re struggling, lean on this: God is a redemptive genius of epic proportions. He will not waste the pain you’re experiencing.

Depression is not a life sentence. It’s not the final chapter of your story. If you get proper help now, and learn a new way to live, work, and relate with others, you have a better than 80% chance of full recovery!

So, start right now. Put the full court press on your depression. Call your doctor. Visit a counselor. Get a few trusted friends involved. Seek out a mentor or two. Eventually you’ll start feeling better. Stronger. More hopeful. And you’ll learn a healthier, more sustainable way of living life.

I’m rooting and praying for you!

Some Help

If you’re looking for a practical, easy-to-understand resource on recovering from major depression or preventing it, check out my book: Unshakable You: 5 Choices of Emotionally Healthy People. You can pick up a copy here.