I am a recovering perfectionist.
It was circa 1997. I was in a pre-service prayer room, getting ready to speak to a group of about one hundred teenagers. I was pleading with God for twenty agonizing minutes to help me, use me; praying like I was trying to wrench something out of God’s closed fist, when out of the blue, these spontaneous words entered my mind: “John, you don’t have to be perfect for Me to use you tonight.” Wait, what? How can that be God? Surely, I have to be perfect for you to do anything of value through me! “Nope,” was the reply I sensed internally. And that was it—I left that room, taught on the subject of repentance to a group of teens, and God did incredible things in their lives (and in mine) that evening.
I didn’t have to write the perfect talk, give the perfect talk, pray the perfect prayer before the talk, or even be a perfect person prior to the talk for God to work through me. I was merely an imperfect instrument in His hand through whom He worked. End of story.
If you’re a perfectionist reading this, your skin is starting to crawl right about now. Everything inside of you is yelling “Blasphemy!” The thought of being imperfect makes you anxious. The idea of “good enough” makes you a bit nauseous. And yet, reality challenges us to identify a single endeavor we’ve been involved with where perfection ruled. An honest evaluation reveals flaws even in our best work. The apostle Paul, perhaps the greatest missionary who ever lived, wrote these words: “But the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me… for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Paul wasn’t lobbying for careless living. He wasn’t making excuses for a lack of maturity. He wasn’t suggesting we fail to work hard, be diligent, grow up, and hone our craft. He was simply saying the awareness we are still works in progress, that we are growing but not fully developed yet, causes us to rely on God more. And when we rely on God more, we are strong. When we rely on ourselves, we are weak.
Perfectionism bleeds into many areas of our lives. Our work, our parenting, our marriage, even our driving! (NOTE: I have a rule book in my head that I believe every driver in the world should understand).
For too long, some of us have operated under the delusion that perfection is attainable. We have to learn when “good enough” is good enough. Because if we don’t, anxiety and depression won’t be far away. Unhappiness will be our close companion. But the question is, how can those of us who suffer from perfectionism change? How do we get free from its ruthless grip without going to the dreaded dark side of sloppiness? Here are four lifesaving ways to break free from our addiction to perfection:
Learn to identify perfectionistic patterns in yourself
Here’s a few self-evaluation questions that might help you: Do I usually achieve the standard I have set for myself? Do I tend to get angry or frustrated during the process of reaching those standards? Have others mentioned to me that my standards are too high? Do I tend to see everything in black or white terms? Do I tend to procrastinate? Yes answers to most or all of these questions indicate you may be a perfectionist.
Work toward setting realistic goals
Perfectionists set unattainable goals and then get angry at themselves when they don’t attain them. Realistic goals lead you to make progress, not attain perfection. Realistic goals tend to protect your health and relationships. They give you permission to ask for help when you get stuck. Realistic goals give you the freedom to stop when you are legitimately tired. I wrote a blog about learning when to stop last week.
Choose an accountability partner to help you
An accountability partner can save your life. He or she can help you determine if your goals are reasonable or unreasonable. They can work with you to monitor how you react toward yourself when you fail to achieve those goals. An accountability partner can give you feedback about how you handle your response when you make mistakes, and can remind you to punch out after a solid day’s work.
Educate yourself in the following areas
- Loving yourself: No one talks to you about you more than you do. Learn to be kind with your words toward yourself. The greatest commandment in scripture tells us to love God with all of our heart, soul, and mind; and to love our neighbor in the same manner as we love ourselves. Remember you are a work-in-progress, so give yourself some grace.
- Protecting yourself: Perfectionists are fish-bait for abusive relationships. You see, if you verbally beat yourself up regularly (as most perfectionists do), you’ll accept verbal abuse from others as simply confirmation of what you’ve been telling yourself for years.
For some of us, perfectionism has been a lifelong battle. In those cases, you may want to consider seeing a counselor to help you identify root causes. If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression and/or anxiety, schedule appointments with your personal physician and a licensed counselor immediately. Consider adding a mentor or coach to your team who can help you walk out the new principles you learn. Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how to integrate truth in a balanced, grace-filled manner.
If you struggle with the need to be perfect, my sincere hope is one day you’ll get free from its chokehold. I pray you’ll discover the difference between doing your honest best and doing things perfectly. My wish is you’ll come to your senses and understand when “good enough” truly is good enough.
I’m rooting and praying for you!
Great points! Learning to be satisfied with good enough and less than perfect has really helped me.